The other day, while my son was at school, I took my
two-year-old daughter down to the local community center for our weekly
playgroup. While the kids played and crammed crackers into their mouths and the
parents chatted and sipped coffee, I sat in my usual spot away from the group,
observing everything from a distance. Once again, I was the only dad in
attendance, and the moms were engaged in the same conversations they have most
other weeks.
There’s one mom in particular who does a lot of the talking,
and I overheard her giving a speech she’d given before. She was talking about
boys, explaining to the other moms that boys are “naturally more aggressive”
than girls, that rowdiness is in their DNA.
“That’s just how boys are,” she said matter-of-factly.
This indisputable truth, she argued, is why her toddler son keeps running around like a maniac, shoving other kids and destroying everything he can get his grubby little hands on. His behavior couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her parenting methods or the kid’s own individual psyche. It must be his gender.
“That’s just how boys are,” she said matter-of-factly.
This indisputable truth, she argued, is why her toddler son keeps running around like a maniac, shoving other kids and destroying everything he can get his grubby little hands on. His behavior couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her parenting methods or the kid’s own individual psyche. It must be his gender.
“I mean, what can you really do?” she asked rhetorically, as
her son chased after another boy, wrestled him to the ground, and snatched a
toy from him.
It’s the familiar “boys will be boys” mentality, and it
drives me insane. We’ve all heard it, and if you’re a parent, you’ve heard it
more times than you can count. You hear it whenever two boys are beating the
crap out of each other on the playground, whenever a boy refuses to share,
whenever a boy enthusiastically vandalizes something.
“Boys will be boys” never refers to good behavior. Only bad.
Fighting, rule-breaking, general mischief—that’s when people say “boys will be
boys.” And the boys hear it. This means we’re telling our boys from day one that bad behavior is
acceptable, excusable, and even expected from them. Then, of course, we become distraught when they
grow up and do terrible things.
In the United States, 98% of reported rapes are committed by males.
That includes both female and male victims. Men also commit 90% of the nation's murders. In 98% of mass shootings since 1966, the person holding the gun is a man.
Boys will be boys, right?
Is it a stretch to say that a boy who’s allowed to pummel
another boy on the playground will grow up to be a killer? Probably. After all,
plenty of boys get in fights, and most grow up to be normal, well-adjusted
non-killers. But what about those boys who grow up to be monsters? Was their
bad behavior constantly justified when they were growing up? Was there too much
condoning and not enough correcting?
It’s a chicken-or-egg situation for sure. Do we assume men
are naturally more aggressive because they commit these deplorable crimes, or
do men commit these deplorable crimes because we’re always telling them they’re
naturally more aggressive?
I don’t know the answer. I’m not a psychologist or a criminologist.
I’m merely a dad trying my best to raise a boy and a girl. I just can’t help
but think that if my son hears over and over again that bad behavior is in his
blood, he’ll grow up believing it. And if my daughter hears that boys are helpless
to stop their natural tendency toward violence, she’ll grow up learning to
accept some pretty despicable behavior from the opposite sex.
That leads me to my next example, from a few weeks ago, when
my daughter and I were at an indoor playground (a common thing in our cold
climate). She was at the top of a slide, getting ready to go down, when a boy
who was about the same age elbowed her out of the way and went down the slide
ahead of her. I wasn’t all that upset by the kid’s actions, because these
things happen all the time with little kids. What I took issue with was the
mom’s reaction. She simply laughed, shook her head, and said, “Typical boy!”
Not a word to her son—just vindication of his bad behavior.
What if her kid were a girl? Would she have called her a
“typical girl”? Or would she have done something? And if she says “typical boy”
when her son is two, will she still say it when he’s three? What about when
he’s six? Ten? Fifteen? Twenty? In other words, when can that kid and his mom stop
using “typical boy” as a defense?
Most of us learn at some point that, as adults, we can’t
shove people out of our way at work or at the grocery store, no matter how much
we might want to. The key words there are “most of us.” Some people never learn
this, and if violent crime statistics are any indication, those people are far
more likely to be men. So, why wait to teach our boys that this behavior is
unacceptable? Why not teach it from the very beginning, like we do with girls?
Sure, two-year-olds will still push and shove and be difficult, but if that
behavior is left uncorrected—if it’s met with a shoulder shrug instead of a
negative consequence—it will only continue and be harder to correct in the
future.
I know it’s easy for me to sit here and talk like I have all
the answers, as if raising a child is simple. I don’t mean to come off that
way. No parent can tell another parent how to raise their kids. If you insist
on perpetuating the “boys will be boys” mentality with your own children, I
can’t force you to change. I can, however, ask you to not say it around my kids,
because it’s not in line with what my wife and I are trying to teach them.
I can also challenge you to pause the next time your son
pushes, shoves, hits, punches, kicks, or tackles another child and ask yourself
the following question: If I don’t step in and stop my son now, when will I? At
what age should he learn that boys aren’t entitled to violence and aggression
just because they’re boys? Or—and maybe this is the better question—at what age
will I as an adult learn that?